The last week has been great, not only is break 5 days away my connection with Sang-Min is growing stronger and stronger. It's like we're friends now; our weekly meetings were so great, it was like our little runaway from the real world. Every time I was around him I felt so happy and safe, it's like I've never known a person could feel joy that's so heart warming to the heart.
But everything was good to be true, the thought of mom and dad finding out my little secrets filled my head. What would happen if mom and dad found i skipped bible studies to go meet a boy I…like. A boy that will be my greatest sin, what would happen? Maybe it was time to sink my feelings down and foucas on what is more important, making mom and dad proud of me.
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As we sat in his car outside my house my heart was pounding out my chest, just sitting in silence with him was amazing. But my feelings for him weren't accepted by the people around us, and it was a great sin.
"So…I guess this is our last study session," I stated nervously, "guess so, it was really nice being around you Hae-Joon." He smiled, there goes my heart again, jumping up and down full of excitement. "How about you come over someday and we could just hangout," he suggested, "sure, I'll think about it." I smiled as I opened the car door and walked out.
"See at school Monday," he waved, "bye." I smiled as I walked into the house.
The weekend that followed was filled with inner turmoil. Thoughts of potential consequences and the clash between personal happiness and familial expectations weighed heavily on my mind. Every smile from Sang-Min was juxtaposed with the worry of disappointing my parents and going against the values ingrained in me.
As Monday approached, I found myself torn between the desire to continue our connection and the need to adhere to the expectations set by my family. The familiar hallways of the school felt like a battleground of conflicting emotions.
"For a person who has been hanging out with his crush for a week you look gloomy." Han mentioned as we walked to class, "don't call him that!" I told him, "what?" "Crush." "I mean that's the right term to call him since you like him," he stated, "he can't be my crush nor can I like him, It's a sin if I like him and I can't be losing focus just because of him."
Han groan rolling his eyes, "your parents have really put the religious stuff in your head, listen to me Joon there's nothing wrong if you like Min!" He proclaimed, "I mean look at me, my parents are just like your parents but I've been happily dating Ujin for 3 years now." He stated, "look Han, me and you are different people."
"Look at him, his better off with Mina then me. I'm a man why would he like me anyways." I sighed as I spotted Sang-Min and Mina laughing and all over each other. "There's no helping you." Han said as he entered the class, I sighed as I followed behind him.
We settled down as we waited for the teacher, and the thought of Sang-Min just romed in my head. I wanted to stop thinking about him, but it's harder than I thought.
"Don't think to much about it just follow your heart, and if it tells you to give up on him then give up. But make sure that's what you want Hoon." Han told me patting my shoulders, I just wish it was easier said than done.
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After that day I Ignored and avoided Sang-Min every time I spotted him, I only had a few more days to go until break and I didn't have to see him for 2 weeks. Ignoring and avoiding him was easy but avoiding my feelings was harder then I thought, who would've thought that ignoring a person would make you want him even more.
I admired Sang-Min but I never intended to have romantic feelings towards him.
"Sucks we can't hang out this break, I really wanted to go to the skating rink." Minjee sighed, "Well I'm skipping church worship week and going with Ujin on a trip." Han added, "won't your parents find out?" I asked, "at this point I don't care, they can't ruin my happiness because of some religious reason." He stated. Typical Han, sometimes I envy him, his confident and does what he wants without being scared of the possibility that his parents will one day find out his relationship with Ujin. "What are you doing during break Hoon?" Minjee asked, "worship week and work."
Suddenly Sang-Min appeared in front of us out of nowhere, "can we talk for a second?" He asked, hesitantly looking at my friends I shook my head. "I can't right now," He grabbed my hand and dragged me away.
"Ow, that hurts let go of my hand!" I demanded as I struggled to release my hand, once we got to an empty place where there was no people he released me. "What's wrong with you Min!" I exclaimed as I slightly massaged my wrist, "I should be ask you that, why have you been avoiding me all this time?" He asked, I stayed quiet. I couldn't tell him the truth.
"Do you hate me?" He questioned, "it's not that." I replied "Then what is it, ever since that night I took you home you've been ignoring and avoiding me." He repeated, "did I do something wrong to hurt you?"
"You didn't do anything wrong Okay, I'm the one who's in the wrong!" I spoke up, "I'm in the wrong for liking you, I shouldn't have these feelings towards you. I'm a guy and you are too, if I didn't develop these feelings for you we wouldn't be here right now." "We shouldn't like each other Min, it's a sin."
He held my hands and held them tight, "who said that liking each other is a sin, we can love who ever we want Hoon." He stated, "And me liking you shouldn't be a sin." My heart ached, it felt like it was going to burst. The pain is to hard to endure. Min gently brushed my cheeks and before I knew it he was kissing me, my first kiss.
His lips were so soft and sweet that I let myself fall into it, I never knew kissing would feel so great. I could feel my heart beating faster and faster, I wanted to kiss Sang-Min forever. But I was pulled back to reality, I looked at him his eyes filled with lust while my heart was filled with love.
I slightly pushed him away and I ran off, I have done something that wasn't In the lords favor of my parents favor.
The weight of guilt and conflicting emotions hung heavily over me as I ran from the unexpected kiss. My mind was a whirlwind of fear, desire, and the ingrained teachings of my parents. As I distanced myself from Sang-Min, I could hear his voice calling after me, but I couldn't bring myself to turn back.
To be continued