Chapter 34 – Welcome to the Family (Kinda)
A few hours after Claire had dragged Haley out of the backyard, Jake was back at home, feet up on the couch, watching the ceiling fan spin.
His phone buzzed.
[Haley:] well that was a disaster.
Jake grinned and typed back.
[Jake:] which part? the kiss or the tactical mom extraction?
[Haley:] yes.
He smirked.
[Haley:] she's still freaking. i asked to come back over. got a full NO.
[Jake:] rip.
[Haley:] but… she said you could come here instead. probably thinks she can supervise.
Jake didn't hesitate.
[Jake:] be there in 30. hide the tranquilizer darts.
---
Cheviot Hills – Dunleer Drive
Judith parked in front of the Dunphy house with a familiar sigh. "You sure about this?"
Jake nodded. "What's the worst that could happen?"
"Don't tempt fate."
He stepped out and walked up to the door. Before he could knock, it opened.
Claire.
Her arms weren't crossed, but the tension was still all over her face.
"Jake," she said, managing a smile. "Hi."
"Thanks for letting me come over," he said.
She stepped aside. "Haley's in the kitchen. Just... keep things low-key, okay?"
"Always."
---
Living Room Chaos
The moment Jake stepped inside, he heard a familiar voice echo from the stairs:
"MY HEAD'S STUCK AGAIN!"
He blinked.
Claire bolted toward the sound. "Luke! Not again!"
From the hallway, Alex—book in hand—barely glanced up. "Third time this week. He's regressing."
Jake stepped cautiously toward the stairs where Luke, face smushed between the railings, flailed his arms like he was being eaten by the house.
Claire sighed. "Phil!"
---
Enter Phil Dunphy
"Got it!" Phil called, jogging in from the kitchen with an oversized bottle of baby oil. "Let's lube and liberate, little man!"
He dropped to his knees beside Luke. "Alright, champ. Tilt your head. We're gonna pop you out like a cork."
"Phil!" Claire hissed. "Be careful!"
Jake stood back, wide-eyed.
Phil smiled at him. "Don't worry, we've done this before. I'm Phil, by the way. Haley's dad. Cool dad, resident superhero, DIY escape artist."
"Jake," he replied.
"Nice to meet ya! Alright, Luke, let's get slippery."
With a loud, squishy pop, Luke was freed.
And then—Phil slipped in the oil.
"WHOA—!"
Crash.
Phil landed flat on his back.
Claire gasped. "Phil!"
Phil winced. "I think I bruised my dignity."
Jake instinctively stepped forward and helped lift him up. "You okay?"
Phil groaned. "Barely. Kid's stronger than he looks."
Jake shrugged. "Calcium."
---
Kitchen – Escape Hatch
Haley had been watching the entire scene unfold from the kitchen doorway. As soon as Jake walked in, she handed him a juice box and muttered, "Welcome to the circus."
He grinned. "You weren't kidding."
"Seriously," she said. "Every time I think they've peaked... something explodes."
They sat at the kitchen island while chaos unfolded in the background. Claire hovered over Phil with an ice pack. Luke zipped around shouting "I'm free!" while Alex sat calmly, flipping pages like nothing happened.
"I'm officially embarrassed," Haley muttered.
Jake bumped her shoulder with his. "I kind of loved it."
She looked at him like he was nuts. "Why?"
"It's real," he said. "Messy, loud... but kinda awesome."
Haley gave him a small smile. "You're so weird."
"I try."
---
From the Couch
Claire watched them from the corner of her eye, whispering to Phil.
"He's really... well-mannered."
Phil nodded. "Smart, too. Like, weirdly calm."
Claire narrowed her eyes. "I don't trust it."
---
Back at the Door
When it was time to leave, Jake stood on the front step, Haley close behind.
"So... still worth the visit?" she asked.
He nodded. "Absolutely."
"Even with the baby oil?"
"That made it better."
She smiled. "We should do this again. Minus Luke in the banister."
Jake smirked. "You mean your family's not like this every day?"
Haley laughed. "God, I hope not."
Judith pulled up at the curb, and Jake turned to go.
"I'll text you," Haley called.
He turned, walking backward with a grin. "You better."