It's all in your head, Savannah.
It was like a mantra she repeated over and over until she parked outside the intricate stone church. Its looming spires towered over the parking lot, casting shadows from the morning light on the parking lot full of vehicles. It almost felt like an omen. A shadow that fell over everything, trying to speak on something that was to come.
Stepping outside of her car, Savannah sighed. The tall stained glass windows that told stories from eons ago glistened from the translucent light that always shined through every corner, bouncing off the other glass windows. A story, if she gazed at it long enough, would play out before her very eyes, though she never did. She'd read about it enough to know how it ended. Watching it was something she didn't want, no matter how beautiful and righteous it ended. The parking lot was empty, just as she intended, when she arrived. It was easy to know who showed up early and a rough guesstimate when for Savannah to know when to show up and have some time to think...and pray before everyone showed up. She needed that time to see if she could find that spec of relief she always had coming here. Though, she wasn't sure she'd find it when all the time before had been fruitless.
Pastor Hannigan stood near the alter, raising his head as the door creaked open.
Why did you need her?
Savannah saw no reason for the phrase 'God needed them more' anymore. What could He have possibly needed them more for than the person He tore them from?
One would have thought seeking forgiveness and finding the path she had followed for years would have been simple.
It wasn't.
If anything, the path back to redemption had gotten covered in thorn bushes and a thick fog that settled in behind it, getting denser with each step forward to salvation. Feet slowly sinking into the ground that tried to pull her under. It wanted to devour her to where she knew not. To bring her where? Across the threshold? Beyond a veil she couldn't see? Some place further down? Her chest tightened every time staring at it, constricting with each thought of the possibilities on the other side.
Was it a test? One of the many she had read about in Revelations when God tested his believers when they strayed. Savannah didn't think she had anything to seek forgiveness from, nor a test to prove her faith. She had done everything he asked. She had stayed faithful, genuine, and devoted to David and God himself. Sought confessions to their Pastor any time she argued with her parents and anything that felt remotely like a sin. Never criticized anyone for anything they lacked or overachieved. She never slacked off in high school or college. She wouldn't let herself get below a B in any classes if she could help it even. There may have been a few instances, but never any that were punishable worthy in His ways for her to feel condemned.
She didn't want to feel like she was descending and would never come back up to know she was back in His grace again. To feel suffocated and constricted by everything around her before God pulled her back up.
Did she want to be pulled back up?
A pulse echoed in her ears, drowning everything else out. Air constricted in throat, barely making it to her lungs.
His righteousness was supposed to feel free, a breath of fresh air. Wings spread that glided through the air, bringing them to endless possibilities and sights unimaginable. A hilltop that overlooked a view that took the breath from their lungs with its beauty and serene cascades of rolling hills and tree tops. To see the world in a different light that showed the wrongdoings of those around them and make the right choice.
Faith should have felt like that. Not confined to what she should and shouldn't do. Believing should have been the one thing that made someone feel like everything was right in life and no matter what happened, everything would work out in the end. Lifted from every sin they confessed. That was what following God's teachings was supposed to do. Make you feel alive and see the world in one enormous bright sparkle of beauty. There was beauty, yet there was also darkness. Crawling shadows crept from every corner, tugging their tendrils into those who didn't follow God's ways, seeking something sinister deep in them. He never did anything about them, yet justice hadn't been served.
Savannah wanted to believe God was the same as when she had grown up knowing him; honest, faithful, and caring. It didn't help that everything that had happened turned that vision into a blurred haze that was unfocused each time she squinted to bring it back into focus. The normal versus that brought some comfort and a breath of fresh air into her lungs now burned her nostrils, and her chest tightened as if she had breathed in a toxin. The words seared her skin like it was carving its essence deep into her bones. The further away she moved, the hotter it seemed to get, and the only healing was allowing herself to succumb to his beliefs and be reborn from the earth again.
Did the thorns await on the other side as another punishment for her discretions?
Maybe it was the seed that had been placed in her heart that could be seen, and she was being judged for it. Judged for something she hadn't sought forgiveness for that was wrong in His eyes.
She didn't want to believe that was what awaited her if she stuck to that path. What had she done so horribly that all she could see was one torment after another? Had her prayers been too much? Was that even possible? They should have been outlets for anyone who sought comfort, guidance, justice, and forgiveness. There wasn't anything she remembered reading in the Bible about praying too much being a sin or asking the same thing over and over being a burden that required what she was dealing with.
It felt wrong.
A taste on the tip of her tongue that, no matter how much she washed it away, it wouldn't leave.
The other was a bleak path filled with darkness. It wasn't cold. It didn't raise the hairs on the back of her neck or make her stomach churn, ready to empty its contents wherever she stood. It was the unknown that she was afraid to tread through. Anything new was always a gamble-an unfamiliar feeling that kept those unwilling to stray down it. Old were the feelings she stuck to because she knew what to expect. It didn't lead down another path of mistakes, hurt, or failed love. She also wouldn't get anywhere staying where she stood, between two paths, never moving closer to one than the other.
Stuck in limbo, Savannah didn't want to choose either until something, anything, told her which path to take.
There was never a sign. Even when she stared up at the same statue of Jesus, placed in the back of the church behind the podium her Pastor stood at, reciting a verse from the Bible while he prepared for Sunday service that she hadn't listened to, lost in her thoughts. Maybe that was why she needed to seek forgiveness. She was in His domain-His church, and she hadn't done more than think of her problems. God knew people's transgressions when it happened and would know when she did wrong. There wasn't anything to question how or why. It just was.
Lowering her head, she stared at the faded simple maroon carpet under her feet. It was washed out and drained as much as her mind, spirit, and body. She raised her hand, grasping the small cross necklace around her neck, sliding it back and forth on the thin, loose silver chain. The church didn't feel confining, not in a way that left her struggling for breath, but the walls hung over her, waiting to crumble over her body and crush her very soul if she left without turning the tides.
The stained glass windows filtered the sunlight in arrays of colors that were amassed on the ground. The outlines of the designs that skewed from it became interesting. A distorted story than the one that had been passed down. A tale she knew like the back of her hand, while some parts had been muddled over time that was never gone over in detail. Why should they have, though? Two wrongs never made a right, and what had been done couldn't be undone. Mistakes could never be corrected in real life, and that was a reality everyone had come to learn over time. Guilt over some dumb choice that was made. Words that couldn't be taken back before it was too late. Anger that was taken out in the heat of the moment. Pain that could never be fixed with time just lessened and numbed.
A hand rested on her shoulder, startling her.
"I didn't mean to startle you, dear."
Savannah wiped the corner of her eye, turning to Pastor Hannigan. "It's fine. I was just...lost in my thoughts."
"It's fine to be lost. Not everyone knows their true path or stays on it all their life, buts its the way you follow that path that defines how you've lived. No one should be alone. Not with the pain that comes with losing someone. God always has a plan and no one knows what that is until we find it."
Pastor Hannigan slid into the seat beside her, staring straight ahead, yet his presence was always comforting and she knew he would listen. "What is it, Savannah?"
A shiver ran down her spine as he spoke her name. "I... I would like to confess some thoughts I've had."
"Of course," he replied, gesturing to the confessing stand off to the side.
She followed behind him, the weight of her choice sinking into her feet like lead. The further she walked, the heavier every step became, but she would follow through on her choice. A test of everything she knew, and she wouldn't fail. Not now.
Closing the door behind her, letting the darkness encase around her. Light from the stained glass windows filtered through the small booth from the opaque glass on the door.
Wood clanked softly as the divider between them opened and her pastor's voice carried through the wooden holes and mesh. "What troubles you?"
Taking a deep breath in before releasing it, Savannah opened her mouth to let it all flow out. And flow out it did indeed. Once the first few words had passed her lips, they wouldn't stop. The guilt of doubting God when her prayers went unanswered, to Arielle's death, and every breath and knot in her stomach when Asmodeus crossed her mind and in her presence. It was wrong, yet it resonated with her very soul. Everything had been a breath of fresh air until the end. His eyes were seared into her mind. His bright gaze while they danced and how he constantly messaged her with anything and everything imaginable to talk about. An ache formed in the small pit of her stomach, and she clenched her legs together, entwining her fingers together until her knuckles turned white in her lap.
God, she was sinning in His house while trying to confess those sins.
Would it ever end?
"I'm glad you have faith to confess these sins before God. I'm sure he would be proud of his children that dare to come forth like you."
Pastor Hannigan's words didn't help. She had confessed her sins, but did that count the feelings that had crossed her mind while she sat there? Did it matter for the ones that would come later?
Her pastor continued, as if he too could tell what she was thinking. "Arielle is in the best hands. The hands of God. She wouldn't want you to be stuck and miss everything around you. There is no right or wrong time for anything, especially love, Savannah. The timing may never be perfect, but God always has a plan for us. If He planned to send someone to you in a time of need, then take it as a sign. I would tell you if it feels right, go for it. Never let something be swept under your feet because of something traumatic. Time heals wounds, but so can other people. The help they offer, their love, and the time they put in. Never take it for granted."
Silence filled the confession booth. Pastor Hannigan softly sighed from the booth beside hers when she didn't do anything. She couldn't find the words to respond. Nothing felt right to offer the appreciation she felt soar in her chest. They were words she hadn't known she needed to hear. Words she wasn't sure she'd ever hear from anyone. She uttered the only words she could muster in a low whisper. "Thank you."
"There is no need to thank me. I do the lord's work and guide those who seem to stray too far and need help to find their path again. Knowing you had enough faith to come here today is an honor to do His work. Is there anything else you want to get off your mind today?"
Her mind had come to terms with his words, though the feelings would take longer. She was willing to try and follow what he told her and receive what had been sent to her with every ounce she could and not let it squander because she was afraid to push forward. "No. I appreciate everything you have told me today and for allowing me to see something I wasn't sure I would have allowed myself. Thank you, Father."
"I've known you since I baptized you, Savannah. What happened wasn't your fault and you deserve happiness just as everyone else. Whoever they are, they are one lucky man. I hope they know that."
۵
"Amen," chorus of voices spoke around her once the service came to an end. The pews creaked while everyone stood to leave. Soft chatter filled the high stoned ceilings as everyone filed out of the pews and made their way toward the doors.
Standing with everyone else, Savannah glanced around, meeting the slightly darker amber eyes of her mother's gaze that almost mirrored her own that held the warm smile she missed. No one would have known her mother neared fifty, strands of grey streaked through her mother's light brown hair as if time itself took it's time with her.
Of course, her mother, Rhonda, knew. Savannah hadn't seen a time anything had passed her mother's eyes without her knowing. Well... until her ex-fiancee that was. That came as a surprise to everyone. She hated how she couldn't get David's face out of her mind, especially when he still attended the same church. Fudge, he stayed in the same city of Cortland that they attended college in, even though his family was from Michigan. The way he could walk into God's church and not get smite was beyond her. She had expected David to stop attending when she cleared everything out of their apartment, yet he still insisted on attending church as if nothing had happened.
As if the sin he committed was similar to replacing chili powder with Worcestershire sauce, leaving the person who didn't know they had been switched to spit it out and walk away from it all together. Just as she had done, but it didn't make the horrible taste disappear from her tongue.
Savannah smiled at her mother once they stood in the aisle between the pews, feeling slightly lighter than she had when she walked into church two hours ago. Her father, George, pulled her in for a hug as her amber eyes met hazel. No words needed exchanging as she hugged him back, already feeling the words in his embrace. She had forgotten how much she missed her father's hugs.