When the boy opened his eyes, he was submerged in dark water.
Though it felt like he had spent several days in the memories of the past, in reality, only a fleeting moment had passed. The instant he opened his eyes, ice-cold water flooded his senses, rushing into his eyes, nose, and mouth. His ear throbbed painfully, for the turtle had bitten his earlobe hard to wake him up.
The past the boy, jaegyeom, had returned to was the time before Myojeong had betrayed him. In those memories, Jaegyeom hadn't yet realized that Myojeong was his enemy, but thanks to the turtle's bite, a crack formed in the consciousness that had sunk deep into the past.
It was Mesani who had slipped through that small crack. The moment Mesani from reality appeared before him, a sense of unease arose, signaling that something was wrong. The realization that this wasn't reality opened the floodgates of memories, and they rushed back like a wave. That was how jaegyeom returned to reality.
"Master! Are you conscious now?"
Yoo Namsaeng, who was still hanging from Jaegyeom's ear, asked urgently. Jaegyeom weakly held his face. Even underwater, he could tell he was crying.
At that moment, he was crushed by the realization that returning to
reality wasn't entirely joyous. The turtle had said it before—no one would want to leave behind happy memories. And it was true.
Jaegyeom felt both gratitude and resentment toward the turtle for waking him. The strange mix of emotions caused him to shed
formless tears underwater.
If I hadn't woken up, what would've happened to me? Unable to die, I would have been trapped in this lake forever, living eternally with Myojeong, my master before he became my enemy...
It would be a lie to say he wasn't shaken. In that fleeting moment, Jaegyeom had thought—maybe it wouldn't be so bad to stay trapped in an illusion, remembering only the happy moments, forgetting everything else. Maybe it wouldn't matter at all.
If he could end everything right here, Jaegyeom would have wanted that.
But he couldn't. If he never woke up again, that would be one thing.
But as long as he couldn't die, there was always the chance that, like this time, he'd sink back into the past and then wake again. That meant he would have to endure the moment when the "illusion breaks," just as he had been jolted out of the past moments ago by the turtle.
When the moment Myojeong had abandoned him replayed vividly in his mind, Jaegyeom was hurled back into reality. The loss he felt, falling from the highest point into the depths, was unbearably painful.
"Master! You must escape before you're trapped in the illusions of the past again!"
Jaegyeom, struggling to catch his breath, fought to steady himself.
Myojeong abandoned me. Myojeong is my enemy. Myojeong no longer exists in this world.
Yes, I can't let even my last moment be taken by you. I must end everything with my own hands. At the very least, I will hold onto my own death. So I cannot fall asleep here.
You left me behind, and now it's my turn to leave you. You were once everything to me, but not anymore. Because now, I have Jeongju and Mesani...
Before Myojeong could trap him again, Jaegyeom had to erase him by thinking of something good that lay ahead.
Jaegyeom tried to imagine the good things he hoped for in the future. But it wasn't as easy as it sounded. For now, he decided to cling to Jeongju and Mesani. At the very least, he wanted to push Myojeong away for now.
He decided to think of the happy moments he had shared with Jeongju and Mesan.
He remembered something from just the day before...
***
Last night, the three of them roasted sweet potatoes in the yard.
While Jeongju, wearing work gloves, tended a campfire, Jaegyeom sat on the porch deck with Mesani, wrapping potatoes, sweet potatoes, and split corn in silver foil. After handing them to Jeongju, he would carefully place them among the firewood with a large tong.
After patiently waiting, the sweet potatoes were finally ready. When one was cut in half, steam rose, revealing its soft and fluffy interior.
Mesani's eyes grew wide in awe.
Jaegyeom, blowing on the hot sweet potato to cool it, peeled off the skin. Halfway through peeling, it looked perfectly delicious. He handed it to Mesani.
"Here, take it. Be careful, it's hot..."
Before Jaegyeom could even finish speaking, Mesan, eagerly waiting like a puppy for a treat, excitedly grabbed the sweet potato.
"Hah-! Hot!"
Mesani danced around in an animated, frantic tap-dance due to the heat, and eventually, unable to bear it any longer, he dropped the sweet potato. It all happened in the blink of an eye. He froze like a statue for a few seconds, then looked up with a crestfallen expression. Jeongju and jaegyeom watched the scene with blank faces.
"..."
After a brief silence, Jaegyeom burst into laughter for the first time in a long while. Hahaha! Jeongju laughed so hard that he had tears in his eyes. Still leaning back laughing heartily, Jaegyeom spoke.
"Hey. Didn't I tell you it was hot?"
"Yeess.."
Mesan, looking dejected, gazed down at the sweet potato he dropped. It was squashed on the ground like melted ice cream. It seemed beyond recovery.
"Leave that one for the birds in the morning. I'll peel you a new one."
Jaegyeom, still chuckling, began peeling another sweet potato. He couldn't stop laughing, recalling Mesani's frantic dance and his disheartened expression.
"Here you go."
This time, Mesani carefully accepted the sweet potato, blowing on it and eating it diligently. Jaegyeom also peeled one for Jeongju, who had worked hard tending the fire. By then, Jaegyeom's fingers were covered in black soot.
Looking at his now-blackened hands, a mischievous thought arose within him.
"Is it good?"
Jaegyeom deliberately asked as he playfully tugged on Mesani's nose. Completely unaware, Mesani, with a soot-covered nose, nodded happily. His nose looked as if it had been polished with shoe wax. As Jaegyeom tried to act innocent and nonchalant—
"Sigh, Jaegyeom, what did you do to the kid's face?"
Jeongju frowned, sighing as he noticed Mesani's soot-covered face.
"Jaegyeom, grow up a little, will you? Mesani, come here. Ill clean you up."
Mesani, looking puzzled, approached Jeongju. With a serious expression, Jeongju used his gloved hand to rub his face. However, instead of cleaning it, he had intentionally made it even dirtier by using the soot-covered part of the glove. Soon enough, Mesani's face looked like that of a little tiger...
This is where an actor's talent comes in handy. Jeongju exaggeratedly pulled down his upper lip while glancing slyly at Jaegyeom. When their eyes met, both of them snorted, trying to hold back their laughter. The two irresponsible guardians were too busy teasing the boy to care.
"What's wrong?"
Mesani asked, his eyes wide with curiosity.
"Wow, look at the sky tonight. Look at the star~"
Jeongju pretended not to hear and gazed dreamily at the sky.
Jaegyeom, sitting cross-legged, leaned forward, biting his lip to stifle his laughter. More than Mesani's face, it was the sly fox's shameless acting that amused him.
The three of them sat in a row on the porch, enjoying the sweet potatoes and the cool night air. Jaegyeom tapped his thighs, signaling Mesani to sit on his lap. Mesani climbed onto Jaegyeom's lap, swinging his short legs while munching on his sweet potato.
After a moment, he spoke up.
"By the way, my lord, is master Yoon still unwell?"
Jaegyeom replied that he seemed mostly recovered. Mesani smiled brightly in relief.
"If he gets sick again, I'll make him better!"
Jaegyeom glanced down at Mesani, who was snuggled in his lap.
"You must like him, huh?"
"Yess..."
"Why do you like him?"
"I don't really know..."
Mesani shyly fidgeted with his hands.
"Do you not like master Yoon, my lord?"
The unexpected question made Jaegyeom pause for a moment.
"No. I don't dislike him."
"Then what do you like about Taehee?" Jeongju interjected, nibbling on corn kernels, asked playfully.
"When did I ever say I liked him? I just said I don't dislike him."
"Ayee, come on. There must be something you like about him," Jeongju teased, nudging Jaegyeom's shoulder. He silently gazed up at the distant night sky. As he blinked a couple of times, the starlight seemed to shimmer briefly.
"I..."
Jaegyeom, who had been lost in thought, suddenly spoke.
"I like that he's fragrant."
Jeongju paused, staring at him. Still looking up at the stars, Jaegyeom furrowed his brow and muttered to himself.
"From the moment we first met, he had a fragrance. Whenever he's around, there's always that fragrance. When he's near me, I smell it too. Because I'm with someone who smells nice..."
As he continued speaking, Jeongju's expression grew more and more ambiguous.
"..."
Sensing the other's gaze, Jaegyeom asked indifferently.
"What?"
Jeongju flinched slightly, shaking his head awkwardly.
"Huh? Oh, nothing..."
Normally, someone would say, "He smells good" or "I like his perfume." But Jaegyeom's way of expressing it as "He's fragrant" made it sound oddly unfamiliar, even though it was essentially the same thing. Saying "I like that he's fragrant" was such a simple yet unexpected and direct answer.
What is this? Is it just my imagination? Something about this feels a little...
"It tickles."
As Jeongju scratched his head with a confused expression, Mesani pointed to somewhere in the night sky and spoke up.
"Oh! A shooting star is falling!"
"Wow! It really is!"
"Yeah, there it is."
Mesani's eyes sparkled brightly. Having spent the entire day with the three of them together, he was in a very good mood. On top of that, they had roasted sweet potatoes in the yard and even spotted a rare shooting star, which made him very happy. Mesani chuckled and said with a grin.
"I wish everyday could be just like today."
Jeongju also nodded in satisfaction.
"Right? Today was a pretty good day."
Jaegyeom said nothing. He simply rested his chin on Mesani's head, who was munching on the sweet potato, and stared at the distant night sky.
What kind of feeling was this, that wishes that every day could be like today?
Jaegyeom had lost that feeling long ago. Of course, if someone were to ask him whether there hadn't been any happy moments during the long years after Myojeong left, the answer would be no. Looking back, there had been a few times when he had laughed without thinking, like today.
Even in a gloomy and suffocating life, shooting stars do fall.
Even in a tiresome, wearisome immortality, there were shining moments. Even in this tedious life, which felt like endlessly walking through a desert with no end in sight, there were surely moments that sparkled like scattered glass beads.
And every time such moments arrived, Jaegyeom's emotions were always just slightly off from wishing "I hope today stays like this forever." Instead, what he felt was, "I wish there were no tomorrow."
When a brilliant, happy moment came, he found himself unbearably wanting to die. Because the uncertainty of tomorrow felt far more overwhelming than today's happiness. He wished life would end at this very moment, in this very scene.
It is because we know that what we cherish cannot last. If one possessed an eternally flowing spring, would they truly value a single sip of water?
But soon, everything would end in just a few months.
When the final moment came, he was going to bid them both farewell with respect.
He would thank them for everything, for allowing him to live, and extend his hand for a handshake, pulling them into a tight hug with all his strength. He must bid farewell to Jeongju and Mesani, who had given him shining moments in this bleak, unfortunate life. That must be his last act.
At the end of this road, the death he had longed for awaited him. In order to end this life, he must continue living. The paradox that he must live to die was what stirred Jaegyeom's broken heart.
Thinking this way, for the first time, he found the present moment to be precious. Only after being given the possibility of abandoning this life did he begin to value each passing day. However, it wasn't that he had lingering attachments to life. It was more like how, when enjoying a favorite dish, one feels a bit sad as the food in the bowl starts to dwindle, yet they don't stop eating. Jaegyeom's feelings were similar.
"Oh, right. Jaegyeom, how about we invite Taehee over for a housewarming party? It's been quite a while since we moved in, and we should treat him to a meal before it gets too late. Have you asked when he's free?"
"Huh? No.."
"You said you'd ask last time. So why haven't you asked yet?"
Until recently, he had been too busy squabbling with Yoon Taehee to ask. But over the past few days, they had shared a meal or two, and their relationship seemed to have improved somewhat compared to before, so maybe he could casually bring it up.
"I'll ask him next time we meet."
"Make sure you ask him tomorrow when you see him."
"Okay."
"Don't just say 'okay' all the time. Huh? You always say that and then..."
As the nagging continued, Jaegyeom, half-closing his eyes and picking his ear, heard Jeongju suddenly exclaim.
"Ah, I know! How about we have a barbecue party next time Taehee comes over?"
"Jeongju, what's 'babeekew?"
"Umm, Mesani, a barbecue is when we do something like today, lighting a fire in the yard. We grill meat, potatoes, sweet potatoes... Basically, we grill anything that can be cooked."
"E- even me?"
"What? Why would we grill you? Do you want to become ginseng soup?"
"No..."
Mesani mumbled as he shook his head. Listening to their conversation, Jaegyeom burst into laughter at the absurdity of it.
"So what do you think, Jaegyeom? About grilling meat in the yard with Taehee next time."
When Jeongju asked for his opinion, Jaegyeom nonchalantly mumbled.
"Mm..."
He made a show of peeling the sweet potato in his hand as if pretending to ignore the question.
He considered the thought of having Yoon Taehee join them. It didn't seem like a bad idea. But what if it rained that day? To light a fire in the yard like today, the weather would need to be clear. Well, anyway...
"I guess."
Jaegyeom stared at the distant night sky, imagining Yoon Taehee being there.
A few days from now, Yoon Taehee would be invited to their house, and just like today, they would light a fire in the yard. The four of them would sit together on the porch, gazing at the night sky.
Jaegyeom smiled faintly at the thought. That's when Yoon Taehee spoke softly.
"Are you having fun?"
"Yeah."
Jaegyeom nodded absentmindedly.
...Huh?
Suddenly, an odd feeling came over him. He quickly turned to look at Yoon Taehee. He was sitting with his legs crossed at an angle, resting his chin on his hand. As soon as their eyes met, Yoon Taehee smiled brightly.
"I'm having fun too."
Watching the night sky with Yoon Taehee in the yard.
That was exactly the "good thing" Jaegyeom had been looking forward to.