JUDE
It's been a while since I stood in a dance studio with the intention of dancing.
It feels so daunting, the floor-to-ceiling mirrors taunting me, daring me to make a move and see what I got which is nothing much, if there is anything at all.
So I decide to stall as long as I can.
I head over the corner and start to stretch. If I can't dance, then I have no part in being an idol.
I don't deserve to be on the stage; to be an entertainer. This is a group that has icons, with equally iconic dances and songs that require to be performed through choreographies.
I am supposed to meet my dance instructor here, in the next thirty minutes. I came earlier to see if I can work off my nerves, see if I can do anything good before I embarrass myself.
When I am done stalling, I walk back to the center of the room and allow myself to make the first move.
It's floppy.
I am no good but I let my body move a few more times. Everything in me wants to stop but I can't. I need to be better. Do better than this.
Sure, I look stupid, blunt and uncoordinated. But to make a change, to see where I am, I need to know how bad I am. I need to see the level I am on so that I can improve.
I have had to be brutally honest with myself from a young age when I was kicked out of my parent's house. I said I wanted to further study arts and they didn't approve of that.
So if I was to do what I needed to do, if I was to make sure I didn't go hungry, I had to come clean with myself.
Was I any good or was I just following a dream that would be one of many dead dreams and my life would be over because of my delusions?
I started singing, making short videos and uploading them. I had to live in my friends' couches and basements for a while before I started getting anything and before I moved with my grans.
It wasn't enough but it was enough to show me that I could do something with my talent if I was really committed to it.
So when my grandmother told me she was ailing and would need to go home soon, I knew I needed to stop living the miserable life and come to the city that made all my dreams come true.
I had to double what I was doing and that's how I got noticed.
That's how I am able to be here right now.
And now, even as I dance like the amateur I am, I know that all of this was shaped because of my desire and thirst to see what I am made of.
Coupled with the fact that my parents now are threatening to send my grandma to a home, I have to make it if I have to convince them not to sell off her precious home, a home she loves and doesn't wish to leave.
When I made my move here, my parents were not happy, as they wished that I would be desperate after sleeping hungry for a few days and go back home.
What they didn't expect is that I would leave the country they wished for me to be born in, work in and get more opportunities in, all for me to throw it all away and come live with my grandmother while following a pauper's dreams.
Their words.
I had to make a deal with them to keep my gran's small estate because they said they couldn't lose money when there were better options. I don't know how they could be heartless to their parent.
But then again, thinking about them, they are business minded. It's all about money and not in terms of losing but more on the gaining side.
My grandmother has always believed in me. Even before I came to live with her, she has always known and told me that I have a talent, just like my grandpa.
So when I came here and told her what I was doing, she was fully supportive. It was peaceful, calm and just enough.
Now things are on a high stakes.
Even if I don't do it for me, I have to do it for her.
I must have been immersed in the dancing because I don't hear the choreographer until they are infront of me, a smile on their face.
"Hi, you must be Jude. I am Sara."
My dance teacher is a woman, and very beautiful at that.
"I am sorry I didnt see you come in," I smile wiping my sweaty hands on my sweats. "I am Jude." I stretch out my hand and she smiles, taking it.
"Nice to meet you. I was told that you would be a beginner but from what I have seen, you don't look so bad."
"Oh! N,o please don't flatter me I am a beginner." I wave the compliment off.
I am nervous.
"Well, I am not flattering. Since I was to tell you to show me what you have got and I have seen it already, how about we start?"
"Sure."
Sara is amazing. It's easy to follow her instructions and we laugh often, as she guides me through and corrects my mistakes. Soon enough, I am doing the small starter moves decently without feeling like I am all limbs and uncoordinated.
"Okay I think we are done," she announces, clapping my back as she goes for her water bottle.
I am heaving as I let myself fall on the floor, sweat dripping my whole body. "That. Was. Amazing."
"I know," she chuckles and sits next to me. "I will help you stretch then we will see each other tomorrow."
Not going to lie, I find her attractive. She is my type too but I can't do anything about it because I am sure there is a policy somewhere that prohibits this. Doesn't mean I don't and won't enjoy her company.
The fact that she is so talented and an amazing dance teacher is just the cherry on top.
"Do you think I will be able to move tomorrow?" I ask her as she holds my feet and I twist front to back as far as I can, both sides.
"You have to train your body to be undergoing this. Soon you will be required to perform for a full week straight, with barely enough sleep so the more gruesome it is now, the easier and more adaptable your body will get."
Ah yes. The rest have already gone through their training and I am the only one in the group who hasn't. I am the only airbone.
That's why I will prove to them and the management that I will not lag them behind; that I will pick up my pace and be on the same level as the rest.
"Don't force it, just unclench your muscles over here …" Sara is touching my ribcage, as I do side stretches. I can't even reach halfway which means she has to kneel in front of me and help me to stretch as far as I can without harming myself.
"Like that?" I ask closing my eyes and feeling it.
"Yeah. That's good, sit up straight now."
I try but I end up falling. I almost bring her down with me but she is stable so she helps me sit up, laughing.
"Sorry," I look at her sheepishly.
"Don't worry about it. We can stretch some more tomorrow, but for now, our lessons are over."
That soon?
"Okay," I smile looking up at her.
"Bye," she waves and I watch her leave … only to clash my eyes with none other than Miko.
What is he doing here? How long has he been standing there, watching?
"Hey," I stand up, as I wipe my sweaty brow. "I didn't see you come in."
He nods as he walks in, hands in his baggy jeans. "How was the lesson?"
"It was good, Sara is really good," I am smiling as I respond to him. "I think I will be able to improve with her classes."
He nods again. "Are you tired? We can schedule our practice later," he offers.
"No, I am, good, I need to do this. Sara said it's good to train my body to adapt now rather than later."
"What else did Sara say?"
Why am I getting weirdly flustered? Is it the way he isn't looking at me directly, his piercing gaze through the mirror making me feel conscious of my appearance? I wasn't feeling like this a few minutes ago before I realized he is around.
"Just that." I am overthinking again. I need to stop that, it will not do me any good.
Miko connects his phone to the speakers and music starts playing. Move by Temin starts playing as Miko turns to look at me.
"I am going to show some of the styles that I have been working on. Tell me what you think."