Hey!
How's it going in your corner of the world?
Me?
I've been...better?
It's been quite the month lol.
I am over it already, but for you all?
I could live this life forever lol.
Perhaps without so many speed bumps?
Worry not, we have a decent amount of chapters to go, folks.
You won't be rid of me so easily lol.
I have for you here the last of those lost pages!
Even better?
We can get back to the main timeline and see what else that version of me was getting up to in his life.
I won't keep you all, I know what you are here for!
Enjoy.
-----
March XX, 2012.
Journal #XXX.
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Penance.
My memories will always pain me.
They will always show me my mistakes.
The pain I've caused...
Hearts I've broken...
I will never live them down, for they are my penance...
No matter where I go.
What I do.
Who loves me.
I will never escape the pain...
I can only accept it.
----
I believe that this next part is a poem.
-----
Penance.
If I left here tomorrow
Said goodbye to the world
Would it feel you with sorrow?
Leave your world uncurled?
-
Or would you just tell me:
"Fair well, I will see you again."
We will meet up in heaven.
I'll hold your hand till the end.
-
She gave me her heart,
I tore it apart.
Now she's in the dark.
-
I can't take that back
A good heart, I lacked.
I gave her so slack.
Now I'll live with that.
-
Call it my penance.
Like a death sentence.
My years in life are ticking away
I wish I could end this.
Just like that friendship.
-
But she won't give me the time of day.
If happiness was something I could buy
She earned it with the tears lost from her eyes.
-
And if ever I could see her again
I'd make up for all the bad times spent.
Just call this
My penance.
-
All the pain I've caused, I know I'm living with a penance.
And now that pains reflected back, I feel it like it's endless.
I don't think you really comprehend this
My sin list
Is longer than the numbers on my fuckin' Facebook friend list.
-
Yeah, I've broken hearts before,
But mine's been broken too.
And now I sit living the single life
Cause that's the best that I can do.
-
I need somebody who
Can make me see the stars,
The truth.
Show me what a knight should do
Cause I don't have a fuckin' clue.
-
I guess I suffer self-appointed condescendence.
Dependent on someone else
The importance seems endless.
-
But enough of that
I've shed too many tears not to bring this back.
I've got my defense now, I'm off on attack.
It's time to make up for all the shit I lack.
-
Pursue my happiness
So I can fill in the cracks.
Not material, no racks and racks and racks.
I don't need piles on floors and chairs and tables.
Just enough to live content,
Be financially stable.
-----
Lort, have merrbies.
That was a lot, and pretty damn cringe.
I would have apologized in advance, but I don't make it a habit to read these old journals before I type them up here for you all.
It can be...jarring, to say the least.
Much of this has been both cathartic and chaotic for this brain and heart of mine.
But I got this.
I do.
In the end, this is all for the best.
Someone out there is reading this and can relate in one way or another.
I hope that it helps you, in whatever way it can.
I would have never imagined that I would be posting this old crap online for the world to see...
I always assumed that I would use these old pages as fuel for a fire pit sometime in the future.
Mayhap I will.
I can now.
Now that these pages have been immortalized by the magic that is our worldwide web lol.
Worry not, It ain't over just yet, folks lol.
We are maybe...halfway there.
And dare I say, living on a prayer?
Lol.
See you all back here soon enough, should y'all's hearts see fit to venture back this way.
To address the actual entries?
The first?
I can't say that I even remember who this was about.
But I can say that I had always been quite hard on myself when it came to...well, everything.
I can recall a couple of hearts that I have broken in my time, and this older version of me would say that those events happened for a reason and as they should have.
Life is strange that way, you know?
My heart has -in turn- been shattered to the point that I felt as if I didn't want to live anymore.
On several occasions lbvs.
I had always done my best to never let it come to that, to the point where I had to break someone's heart.
But if I was meant to have mine broken, and more than once at that, who is to say that I was not meant to do so a time or two?
I hate the thought of it.
I hate that I've been the source of that sort of pain for even just a handful of people.
I do.
But the other hand says that I was meant to, and it helped shape them into whoever they are today.
That would go for myself as well, and those who broke my heart.
Lessons.
All of us for all of us.
In one way or another.
As for that "poem"
Sheesh...
I was going through something.
Something over someone.
Someone and something that I wish I could remember.
Some of it seems familiar to a couple of scattered memories, but I can't seem to place any of it just yet.
Give me a break, folks, it's been nearly 13 years lol.
Maybe the chapters before and after these Lost pages can help solve that mystery lbvs.
I will leave you all at that, and I will see you back here soon and back on track lol for real this time!
Thank you all for being so patient.
P.S.
If you can help it, lock all of your...N.S.F.W. images in a folder that can't accidentally be opened in front of a coworker.
LBVS.
Safe travels out there, folks.
And as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Redd.