Date: 05-01-1998
Location: Law Firm, Los Angeles, CA
Ian Campbell was impressed with his law firm's new office, but the one thing Ian was impressed with the most was himself. One of his favorite pastimes was hitting on the firm's new female associates. You would think a smart lawyer would know better, but Ian was a sexual harassment case in a $1,000 suit. Ian had a joke he liked to play to impress the ladies: in a conference room on the 40th floor, he'd get a running start and throw himself into the window. The tempered glass would always bounce him back. Tempered glass is commonly used in applications that take more of a beating than others, such as windows, shower doors, and tabletops. Tempered safety glass can take a significant punch compared to annealed glass. It can nevertheless break given that the force applied is too high and intentional, such as a heavy-hitting object like a human body. After a smug "Watch this!" Ian bolted towards the window.
Maybe the sleazebag lawyer just ran out of luck. Or maybe it was the way his Rolex caught the glass. Because Ian took a running start...
*Crash!*
And never stopped. Falling 40 floors to his death. Once he discovered that his eminent death was there, he most likely would have pissed on himself. He died instantaneously, from his skull shattering on the ground and his brain herniating out onto the street. His spine shattered, along with his skull, and severed his spinal cord, killing him. Civilians below the sky scraper, who were out on a normal day. Had the misfortune of witnessing a man turn into red mist right in front of them.
Why do you bury lawyers 10ft down instead of 6ft? Because deep DEEP down, they are really good people.
Way To Die #64: Habeas Corpse
Date: 08-11-2003
Location: Side of Interstate 8, Yuma, AZ
Tiny and Dale are two tree removal workers clearing brush in the 110-degree heat of the Sonoran Desert. It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it; they just wish it wasn't them. Burning dry air, physical labor, and denims, the poor men were in hell.
They get the last of the branches to the top of the hill. One last job before heading home: chipping the branches. It is never easy with these two. The last branch gets stuck. There is a case of cold ones and a cage match waiting for them back at Tiny's. Dale decides to man up and tries shoving the branch through with his feet. In the process, Dale learns the hard way: a machine made to destroy tree limbs can also destroy human limbs.
Dale is sucked into the woodchipper, and Tiny gets a blood bath. Going legs first into a chipper would mean that you feel every part of your body getting torn apart from your feet to your chest. The rotating blades would slice cleanly through your muscle and bone. Dying from blood loss or shock would cut this terrifying and brutal experience short. Unfortunately for Dale, his body was a fighter. He was alive and conscious through the entirety of being shredded apart. Feeling his toes, feet, and legs being ripped and grounded up. He looks to Tiny in the desperate hope that he will help. Tiny is completely freaking out, being sprayed with blood, guts, and bone chips. Dale remains alive all the way up until it was just his stupid little head left.
A dummy who put his leg in a woodchipper and a dumbass who didn't turn off the woodchipper. Is there a lesson to be learned from all this carnage? If you're this stupid, maybe you deserved to die.
Way To Die #288 Chippin' Dale
Date: 11-21-1993
Location: Ball State University, Muncie, IN
Meet Jack and Sallie. The two are just like any other college couples, horny. As the two were making out behind a tree, Jack sees something across the green field - a giant basketball. It was left there from yesterday's pep-rally, both of them saw this as an opportunity for a once in a lifetime quickie. The two co-eds rush over to the large basketball.
Sally pulled the zipper down to the inflatable faster than Jack's fly. She sticks her head in and discovers that it is filled with helium. They excitingly enter through the zipper. They get inside the large inflatable and zip the ball shut. Soon, they were having fun. Both of their voices high pitched and their brains going numb, both of them found out this was a great place indeed.
After several minutes, they needed fresh air - the helium of the inflatable ball was getting the better of them. Unfortunately for the two, the magic zipper was nowhere to be found. Disoriented and out of breath, the two scramble to find the zipper.
Your body needs 95% to 100% air in order to survive. Helium, in its pure form, does not contain any oxygen; it is a noble gas with a single atom and no oxygen atoms in its structure. Hypoxia, meaning a lack of air to tissues and blood sets in after 2 minutes. Death can occur as soon as 4 to 6 minutes after oxygen deprivation, depending on the severity and duration of hypoxia. Unable to escape, the two die in eachothers arms... right underneath the zipper.
Once they locked themselves in their funhouse, it was only a matter of time before their fun turned to none.
Way To Die #226: Gasketballed
Date: 09-27-1992
Location: Marston Residence, Lubbock, TX
Meet JT. He wants to be drinking with his buddies, not doing garden work. He would always stop his drinking when he sees the sexy Trixie, his wife. After catching him on his phone and not doing work, Trixie pulls out the big guns. She threatens to turn the nookie switch off on JT if he doesn't get rid of a hornets nest on their tree.
A tough comprimise, JT obliged. A rake is the only weapon he has at the moment. After a few failed swats, he realises it ain't working. But the man lives in Texas. As they say, "If all else fails, hit the gun rack." Being a suburban cowboy, JT returns with his weapon of choice. A paintball gun. He aims, threatens, and then shoots the hornets nest. The nest falls to the ground, and JT celebrates.
Good news - the hornet nest is off, so JT can have his Trixie.
Bad news - the hornets, pissed off, attack him.
Even worse news - JT doesn't know it, but he has a fatal allergy to hornet stings. Thousands of hornets surround him, each stinging him reapeatedly. He falls to the ground and quickly goes into anaphylactic shock.
Anaphylactic shock (or anaphylaxis) dilates blood pressure and swells the airway to your throat and lungs - breathing now becomes impossible.
JT enters the medical state of stage 4 anaphylaxis. This is the life-threatening stage since blood pressure has dropped significantly, and the patient is unable to breathe in enough oxygen for the body to function correctly. The effects of stage 4 are so severe that it could quickly lead to a heart attack or death.
Eventually, a now-widowed Trixie screams upon seeing her now deceased husband.
J.T. died a noble gunman, fighting for the booty rights for his Texan maiden. Happy trails, cowboy.
Way To Die #199: Me So Hornet
Date: 01-18-2007
Location: Woods Carnival, Barnegat, NJ
Meet Boris. He is a 7 foot sword swallower and a very desperate man because of the economic downturn. He used to be popular, but the recession ensured that he was considered a waste of money. Tonight, he has an audience of blue hairs on a bus ride to Atlantic City. Boris does his routine, but no one is interested. If one sword wasn't enough, he needed something to really wow them.
Maybe two could do. He knows that it could scissor and can cause internal bleeding, but he does it anyway. It happens! He's done it! He's... still alive. Damnit.
Boris takes the two swords out and looks around the room as people applaud.
The audience gets more antsy, they wanted challenges. The challenge today was from an old pensioner who wanted Borris to be an umbrella-swallower.
He didn't want to do it, but a cheer from the crowd instantly changed his mind. Boris grabbed and hoisted the umbrella above his head. He begins to scarf the umbrella down his big tall gullet. It is a sickening and shocking display as the umbrella goes down and the audience are eating it up. Boris would have gotten off with nothing more than a sore throat, but fate decided to...rain on his parade.
As Boris completely swallows the umbrella, his larynx hits the release button. The umbrella opens up and crushes his windpipe, sealing the deal on Boris's fate. The end prongs of the umbrella stab into Boris's esophagus. Every time he tries to pull it out, it tears the hell out of his trachea. In pain from no oxygen and an umbrella anchored in his throat, Boris goes down.
Red blood cells are responsible for carrying oxygenated blood from the lungs through the body's cardiovascular system and venous systems to the brain and the rest of the body.
The brain uses about 20% of the body's oxygen supply, which allows it to perform conscious and autonomic processes. When your brain goes an extended period with a lack of oxygen, neural cells begin to die through a process called apoptosis. Although some brain cell death usually occurs throughout a person's life, large numbers of brain cells dying simultaneously can result in diminished brain function or brain death.
The pensioner can not believe it or anybody else. Boris just died in front of them.
He lived by the sword. He died by the - you got it... umbrella. No refunds!
Way To Die #952: Dumbrella
Date: 01-31-2004
Location: Jennifer's Crib, Roanoke, VA
Some people just seem to ooze sexuality.
A nymphomaniac named Jennifer goes to a market to buy groceries. As she grabs from some produce, she notices the sexy stock boy in the vegetable section spraying down the vegetables. The two stare at each other in pure sickening lust. When it comes to hypersexuality disorder, the desire to escape a feeling is an internal trigger. External triggers, on the other hand, come from the environment. They can be a person, a place, or a situation. The two ogle each other and were definitely thinking the same thing. Unfortunately for the stock boy, Jennifer has a girls' night to prepare for. Back at her crib, as she unpacks everything, she holds a carrot and thinks about the stock boy back at the market. The great thing about imagination is that you can turn something completely innocent and make it vulgar.
In other words, she has the idea to use the carrot for a dildo.
Masturbation is a type of autoeroticism where a person stimulates their genitals for sexual pleasure or arousal, usually to the point of orgasm. Stimulation can involve the use of hands, sex toys, everyday objects, or, less commonly, the mouth. Masturbation is considered harmless, though being too rough may cause temporary chafing or tender skin. Some say it can have other benefits, such as reducing stress, improving sleep, and easing pain.
Jennifer begins to peel her carrot. She does so poorly, too excited to be patient. She finishes, looks at her handy work, and runs off to her bedroom. She gets ready and lays in bed with her stalion, the carrot. As she begins using it, a rough edge on the carrot slices her vaginal wall, and it created an air bubble inside her body. The air bubble went inside her heart, and Jennifer couldn't breathe. If an air embolism enters the heart, it can block blood flow by creating air bubbles in the chambers or pulmonary arteries, preventing effective circulation. This can lead to immediate symptoms like chest pain, shortness of breath, and a rapid or irregular heartbeat. If the blockage is significant, it can cause cardiovascular collapse, leading to cardiac arrest and potentially death if not treated quickly.
Jennifer droppes the carrot and dies before she could even climax.
I'm afraid there will be no happy ending to this veggie tale. If in doubt, leave it out.
Way To Die #647: Killdo
Date: 07-11-1990
Location: Larry's Cabin, Seattle, WA
Do you remember "The Birds" from Alfred Hitchcock? Well, this story is called "The Bird." Larry is living in the wild. The only friends he has are the small and big animals around him, except for the birds. He despises them. He terrorizes a sparrow hawk that is sitting on his lawn. He manages to get rid of the bird, but it will also get rid of him. After it flies above him, it drops a load on his face, which also enters his mouth. Grossed out, he runs inside to wash his face and mouth off.
A week later, he's in the hospital because of Salmonellosis. A common name that you know it as, Salmonella. Humans become infected most frequently through contaminated food, water, or physical contact. Some people with salmonella infection have no symptoms.
Most people develop diarrhea, fever, and stomach (abdominal) cramps within 8 to 72 hours after exposure. Larry feels the effects of Salmonella, and in a cold sweat, he feels his body losing the fight against the virus. Larry looks out the window and to the sky as a sparrow hawk flies by the window. Larry flatlines as doctors cover his body with his blanket. This time, it was Larry who flew the coup.
Way To Die #743: Alfred Shit-cock
These folks were just dying to end up in this chapter. And you're lucky to be living to be reading it. Leaping lawyers and sex crazed lunatics, where else could you find this stuff? Spike TV...yup.